Digital Father Podcast

Lone Wolf Syndrome

I am an only child. No big deal, but it definitely has an impact on how you live your life, especially if you have to share a house.

I suppose the issue is compounded by the fact that I was an only child in a divorced family. Eternally Depressed Grandmother and I lived alone but together from the time I was 5 until I left for college at age 22. It was a small apartment we shared, but we were pretty good about giving one another space. The living room was common area, but bed rooms were pretty much off limits. Bathroom and kitchen were shared. A variety of differing schedules through the years made the place seem much larger, and allowed for solitary moments every now and again. When EDG was out, the television was my constant companion, especially on the nights when she worked late and didn’t get in until after bedtime.

Before leaving for college (at the late age of 22) I met a lady eventually to become my wife. She and I began to share a place that final summer at home. It was a tiny place as well, but we were so happy to be in each others company that sharing the place was a joy. We discovered one another’s rhythms, and even enjoyed crunching ourselves into the tiny bed in the hot loft apartment.

My first year in college found me sharing a room with my first ever same-sex roommate. He was a hosehead who stole my car and wrecked it. After that, my dorm director allowed me to keep a single for the rest of the year. After that, I got a job as a Resident Assistant, which meant I was given a single as part of the job. That made my fiance (same woman) my only roommate besides EDG.

When I was younger, and again while I was away at school, I got used to eating alone. I had no trouble with it, and actually enjoyed the solitude. I would bring a book, magazine, or newspaper and catch up on world and local events. Many of the campus eateries had televisions, so my constant companion and I would spend a few minutes sharing a plate of pasta or a plate of wings. I was happy, but my friends were offended. Their thought was that no one at college should eat alone. They didn’t understand that I didn’t do it because I couldn’t find someone to eat with, but to get the solitude to which I had become accustomed. I learned to spend more time with others, and even joined a fraternity, but still relished my time alone.

Wife and I bought a small house after we were married and I settled in for the long haul. It was probably the first time in a while that I started to feel the need for more room. After 4 years of sleeping alone, making my own hours, and eating on my own schedule and terms, it was tough getting used to sharing your time, life, and space. She’s an extraordinary sport about it, and we have a chuckle about it from time to time, but I guess it still bothers her to some extent.

Wife is now Mother. Having kids has made it even more complicated. We have expanded our dream house to have enough space for the children as they grow. They are growing fast, though, and we have plenty of stuff filling the space as well. The house isn’t small by any standard, but we are in a constant state of trying to maximize the space for our comfort.

I still, even with the extra space, try to find solitude. The family, always wonderful, understands even though we never really discuss it. When I go off into another room, they usually don’t come in. I feel bad for the ‘don’t bother your father’ kind of feeling, but I really enjoy the times I get to revel in my own thoughts. I plan for work, consider financial futures, blog, podcast, and generally get my head clear for the next thing to come along.

I’ve been trying lately to spend a little less time in solitude and more in company, but it’s hit-or-miss. Certain days I just can’t do it. Others I have an overwhelming need to be with them all day. I try to budget the times so they coincide with events of import, like the upcoming birthday celebration for Son. Other times it’s a planned walk with Mother. These times are terrific, and yet sometimes I forget and fall into my own solitary world, forgetting how cool they all are to be around.

I’m doing it right now, aren’t I? Sitting on a bench in the kitchen with my laptop, sequestered. Separate from Son, who watches TV in the next room. I think I will go in and spend some time with my cool Son.

I though about this while over at Minor Revisions, a blog I love reading. Thanks Katie.